In a little back street in Wilton, we find chemistry teachers Ebeneezer Jacobs, Ebeneezer Blitzman, Ebeneezer Karas and Ebeneezer Gregory licking their Tungsten's with Mercury delight as they count their Gold and Silver collections from their students fees for broken glassware. "Praseodymium!" the Ebeneezers shout. Poor Marie Osmium, usually warm and Iridium, has collapsed and is lying Platinum from our Titanium final examination, yet we am not Dysprosium to become good Samarium's. "Did you see the way she Lanthanum on the floor after seeing our test?," asked an Ebeneezer! "Gadolinium!" exclaimed another Ebenezer. Call a student government Copper to lead her to her study hall."
And in the prep room, Rubidium Cratchit Mola, local philosopher and lab Technetium, a graduate of Berkelium Collegium in Californium, washes glassware in cold water while reading Kafka's "Investigations of a Dog". Rub is no Einsteinium, but he's not Sodium either, and he does tend right to Bismuth all the time. It's Christmas Eve and Rub asked to go Holmium early. "You've got a lot of Gallium," replies an Ebeneezer. I'll be Francium but Fermium. Half a day's work, Hafnium a day's pay." "That's all right," the mystic, Rub reflects, "I'm Antimony anyway."
Late that night, the Ebeneezer's awake to see the ghastly and Palladium face of their departed colleague, Gregor Mendelevium, who ironically looked worse in real life With Mendel leaving him, an Ebeneezer heard the ghost say "Iodide Neon to a hundred and twenty years ago and since then I've gone out each night, trudging around with those arsine genetics tests that are as heavy and Promethium as the rock problem. Long and Protactinium is my Argon'y. Mend your way, Ebeneezer's!" Thus spake the genetic ghost this abomination and departed.
"That was very strange and Ytterbium," thought the Ebeneezer's as they dozed off. But another ghost who looked like a Carbon copy of St. Nickel's came to wake the Ebeneezer's. Growling good-bye to their starving dog, Plutonium, the Ebeneezer's grabbed the ghost by the sleeve and Rhodium off into the Christmas past.
They flew all over Europium (to research Chromium, Italium, then on to Polonium, making a raid on old girl friends that an Ebeneezer knew while he was in the Americium armed forces. There were Fluorine and Ruthenium, and a couple of great Scandium blonds. How he loved to pinch Chlorine! What a foxy generation. They dined on stuffed boar- on corn on the cob, although garnished with Erbium's from Indium. For dessert, they munched on tiny Beryllium's from Germanium. Very Tantalum, As they were feasting and flirting and fooling around as only the young and Silicon, it occurred to the Ebeneezer's that being mean old chemistry teachers isn't the Magnesium of occupations. But the jolly old ghost scolded the proud and Vanadium Ebeneezer's for Actinium up and took them Holmium again.
Then, just as their dreams were becoming mildly pleasant, the most Phosphorus apparition of all appeared and carried them off to view all sorts of ugly things which might come to pass. First, they saw Molybdenum coming out of that scavenging undertaking firm, dungaree pocket. Then on to Rubidium Cratchit's hovel where poor tiny Tin lay crippled; with his legs Thorium and no way to Helium. He was sulfuring and zincing into great agony. "Oh what a Cadmium!" declared an Ebeneezer, who wasn't much of a grammar kid either. And with that they awake to new and Nobelium men. With Radium smiles, they swore to Xenon never to give so cerium a chemistry test a tiny Tin again. Agile and Lithium, and with a Manganese heart, an Ebeneezer sprang from bed, took a Neodymium and called the doctor to come over and Curium Tiny Tin's leg. Tin was Tellurium with joy and said "Bless everyone, even mean old chemistry teachers."
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